


The risk we should’ve taken

by sleepinginthe_library



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Death, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, M/M, Or Is It?, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Sadness cause I can’t control myself, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unrequited Love, no happy ending :), this is my first fic pls don’t bully me :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27011353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepinginthe_library/pseuds/sleepinginthe_library
Summary: Yamaguchi never thought he would fall for his best friend, until he was over the toilet coughing up flower petals.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 36





	The risk we should’ve taken

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic, please don’t bully me :(  
> if u cry let me know :)

The risk we should’ve taken

Yamaguchi tried to enjoy the warm, spring morning. But he was filled with nervous anticipation about the new school year. It was his first day of high school after all. As he stood on the heavily cracked sidewalk, his thoughts were anxiously racing about what the day might hold. His heart skipped a beat as he saw his best friend come into view. He suddenly felt calm because he knew that whatever uncertainties his day held, he had Tsukki there by his side. 

“Yamaguchi you look like you’re going to explode, calm down.” Tsukishima sneered. 

“Gomen Tsukki.” Yamaguchi laughed. 

Tsukishima then slipped on his headphones and tuned out the world. They walked to school in comfortable silence, but  
Yamaguchi’s thoughts were racing.

“What if I walk into the wrong classroom? Or I fall in front of everyone? Or-“, he gasped “What if I don’t make it onto the volleyball team? Then Tsukki would be disappointed in me.” 

Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi twiddling his fingers around. 

“Hey, stop it. You’re worrying for nothing, you’ll do fine.” 

Yamaguchi looked up in shock. Tsukki rarely ever reached out to comfort him. He stood there stunned. 

Tsukishima laughed “I know I don’t comfort you that often, but it’s not like I don’t care about you.” 

He then proceeded to put his headphones back on, and the conversation ended leaving Yamaguchi with a confusing feeling in his chest. They turned a corner and stopped.

“There it was, their new school.” Yamaguchi thought. 

He stopped to take it all in. His heart was pounding loudly. He could feel the blood rushing through it, and it seemed like everyone around him could hear it. Yamaguchi gathered up his courage and walked forward to meet Tsukishima at the front gate. Tsukishima took off his headphones and said with a condescending smile,

“Let’s walk to class together, that way you don’t get lost.” 

Yamaguchi noticed the look on Tsukki’s face and realized he was back to normal.  
Their day soon progressed, and Yamaguchi realized he had nothing to worry about. His upperclassmen were very nice, and they looked after the underclassmen. He walked to his next class and sat down in his chair. The class was boring. He wished he had Tsukki there so they could make fun of it.

“Wait. Why am I thinking about him again?” Yamaguchi felt a sense of dread and hatred towards himself.  
His self-hatred had been growing over the past few weeks, and he noticed he couldn’t stop thinking about Tsukki. 

“He’s just my friend that’s why.” 

Yamaguchi tried to convince himself. He shook off those thoughts and went back to paying attention in class. Lunchtime quickly came and Yamaguchi rushed into the lunchroom to see if he could find Tsukki. He noticed two boys who looked to be in their year as well. They were talking to Tsukki and he looked annoyed, so Yamaguchi went over there to try and get him out of the situation. 

“Hey Tsukki, how is your day going so far?” Tsukishima quickly looked at Yamaguchi and internally sighed in relief.

“It was going fine until these idiots came up to me.” He glared at them.  
The tiny kid with shockingly orange hair responded to the jab 

“Don’t be like that. You’re so mean. What’s the point of being rude to others?” 

He turned around and noticed Yamaguchi, 

“Hi! My name is Hinata. I’m planning on joining the volleyball club, and so is this guy as well! He pointed to a tall boy with black hair. “My name is Kageyama.” He said in an uninterested tone.  
“We noticed that Tsukishima was tall, and we wanted him to join too. He would make a great middle blocker.”

Tsukishima scoffed and said “I was already planning on joining. Now please go away before I change my mind.”  
He walked off but not before making a subtle notion for Yamaguchi to follow him. 

“Why is he so rude?” Hinata asked. Kageyama responded “Who knows, don’t focus on him boke.” Volleyball is more important, so don’t get distracted by little things.”  
Yamaguchi apologized before running off to join Tsukishima. 

“Wow, Hinata is energetic. I can see why you were annoyed by him.” Yamaguchi quietly laughed.  
“Don’t forget that volleyball idiot, Kageyama. That’s all he can think about. I bet he’s not even good.” Tsukishima sneered at the thought of Kageyama failing at tryouts.  
“Tsukki don’t be so mean.”  
“Shut up Yamaguchi.”  
“Gomen Tsukki.”

After they ate lunch together, they went their separate ways to their classes. Tsukishima noticed he felt a little lonely without Yamaguchi.  
“What am I saying? I don’t need anyone. I’m fine by myself.”  
“That’s not what you said this morning.” The rational part of his brain responded  
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it. You’re wrong just like usual.” 

After fighting with himself he focused on the teacher and the lesson they were learning. The day went by faster than either of them expected, and soon it was volleyball tryouts. Yamaguchi found Tsukishima outside of the gym, and they walked in together. The gym was an average size, nothing like those powerhouse schools. It had a light brown flooring, with slightly darker brown walls. The volleyball net was set up in the middle of the gym, and there were stands on the side, folded so they wouldn’t be in their way. Yamaguchi felt like he was going to pass out. The room started to spin until he felt a cool hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Tsukishima steadying him. 

“I swear Yamaguchi if you try to pass out on me again, I won’t catch you next time.”  
“Gomen Tsukki, I’m just really nervous.”  
“I don’t understand why you’ll be just fine,” Tsukishima responded.  
Wait, why am I being so nice to him? He thought. I need to back off, he’s probably uncomfortable. 

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened at Tsukishima. “Why is he being so nice to me? He’s never like this. Maybe he’s nervous too. He wouldn’t like me right?”  
“Wait I don’t like him, what am I saying? I can’t like him, he's a guy, that’s wrong!” All of a sudden the memories he tried to suppress came back to him. He felt himself slipping out of consciousness, and the last thing he heard was Tsukki shouting.  
“Where am I?” Yamaguchi wondered “Wait, this area looks familiar.”  
He noticed his elementary school in the background, the rusty, old playground was across from him, and there he saw it. The start of everything.  
“Hey look! A new kid!”A pack of kids was running towards Yamaguchi when he was a child.  
“He looks too scrawny. We can’t beat him up without getting in trouble.” One of the kids whined.  
“You’re right, maybe if we throw things at him he’ll get stronger.” The leader of the group said  
His groupies laughed and cheered him on.  
“You’re so pathetic, you can’t even defend yourself. Wow, who knew you’d be so worthless.” The leader jeered.  
That’s when a dark shadow came across Yamaguchi, a boy who was freakishly tall and had blond hair came by. “Pathetic.” He sneered.  
“You’re picking on someone smaller than you? How stupid are you?” He then walked away. Yamaguchi quickly scrambled up and ran after the boy.  
“Thank you so much. I didn’t know what I was going to do.” He started blabbering.  
“Hey shut it, you’re being too loud.”  
“Gomen… oh, I never got your name.”  
“It’s Tsukishima.”  
“Mines Yamaguchi! Nice to meet you!”  
Yamaguchi watched his younger self walk off. Who knew that this would be the reason for all of his self-hatred.  
“Why did even matter? This happened so long ago why are you still letting this affect you?” He yelled at himself.  
He noticed the edges of his vision were slowly turning black and he suddenly remembered that he had passed out in front of everyone.  
Tsukishima heard a loud gasp and quickly turned around. There he saw Yamaguchi quickly sit up and look around wildly.  
An upperclassman with grey hair and a soft smile went over to Yamaguchi,

“Hey calm down. You’re in the gym remember? Nothing bad is going to happen.” 

Yamaguchi took a deep breath and relaxed. 

“Thank you. I’m sorry for troubling you. I didn’t mean to pass out on everyone.” Yamaguchi started rambling. 

“Stop it it’s fine. All that matters is that you’re ok.” The gray-haired student said. 

“My name is Sugawara, I help the captain with managing the team. They’re kinda a handful.” He laughed. 

Speaking of the captain, he walked over and said “Hi, my name is Daichi and I’m the captain of the volleyball team. Welcome to the club. Over there you can see our 2nd years practicing. Their names are Noya and Tanaka. They’re very energetic. I’d stay away from them until you’ve calmed down.” He laughed. “Over there is Asahi, he’s our Ace and doesn’t let his looks Intimidate you, he’s a very soft and kind person. You’ll get to know them all soon so don’t worry about it.”

Yamaguchi was confused. “I thought we had to try out to get on the team?” 

“Oh, we don’t have very many players so we take whoever is willing to join,” Suga said. 

“Oh ok, well I hope I can help you guys win our games!” Yamaguchi responded. 

Yamaguchi then heard a loud voice exclaim  
“Oooh! Look who’s awake Tanaka! Come on let’s go meet him.”  
“Wait let him calm down first, you two always scare away everyone.” Said Asahi. 

Once Yamaguchi had calmed down, he met everyone else on the team. Tsukishima later came up to him to make sure he was ok. Yamaguchi noticed a slight scratch in his throat when Tsukki was talking to him but ignored it. They spent the rest of practice getting to know each other and practicing volleyball drills. Yamaguchi had forgotten how good Tsukki was at volleyball. He managed to block Asahi’s spike and everyone stood there in shock. Tsukishima just smirked and went back to playing. To Tsukishima’s disappointment, Kageyama was an amazing setter and didn’t fail “tryouts.” They all had a good time at practice and when the time for them to come home came around Tsukki asked

“Yamaguch, are we still walking home together?”

“Yes, just give me a second to pack up.”

Tsukishima gave a small nod of acknowledgement and went outside to wait. Yamaguchi noticed the small scratchy feeling in his throat again. It was gradually increasing as he put away his belongings. He started to cough and soon he was choking. No one else was in the gym at the time so they didn’t see him gasp as a small flower petal came out of his throat and land on his hand. He started to panic. 

“Oh no, this can’t be happening. It’s a 1/10,000 chance. Of course, I was the one who got it.” He said in a shaky voice  
“Yamaguchi? What’s taking you so long?” Tsukishima came into the gym to see Yamaguchi huddled over on the ground.  
“Are you ok?” He asked in a bored tone.  
“Yeah sorry I think I’m coming down with a cold. Sorry I didn’t mean to make you wait.”

Tsukishima didn’t say anything as he walked to the door. Yamaguchi scrambled up and ran over to him, thoughts racing. 

When Yamaguchi got home he quickly said goodbye to Tsukki and ran inside. His mom greeted him as came inside.  
“Honey, how was your first day of high school? How were the classes? Did you make new friends? Oh! How was the volleyball club?”  
“Mom slow down you’re overwhelming me.” Yamaguchi laughed “It was good, the classes were fine, and I met some new people on the volleyball team. It was a lot of fun, they are very kind.”  
Yamaguchi then remembered the flower petal and quickly said  
“Oh I have homework, I’ll be down for dinner, thank you.” 

He rushed up to his room and locked the door. He decided he was going to look up Hanahaki Disease to answer some of his questions. After spending an hour of researching he came to this conclusion, Hanahaki was a disease in which a person who is in love (cannot be a strong friendship) thinks their love is unrequited. They throw up petals for the first 1-3 months and then it escalates into stems and full flowers in the last 3-6 months. The only way to get rid of the disease is to either have it removed but then you’ll lose the feelings for the person you love, or the love is requited. If neither of these happens when the person dies. Yamaguchi started shaking 

“He’s going to die, there’s no way that he could like or love him back. He doesn’t want the surgery either, losing his feelings for Tsukki could mean the end of their friendship. That was worse than death for sure.”  
Yamaguchi decided that he would pull away from Tsukki because he didn’t want to bother him with his problems and this way his death wouldn’t affect Tsukki and he could move on and live his life. He didn’t want to but he had to make this decision for Tsukki’s sake. 

Over the next 2 months, Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi pulling away from him. It started as him not talking as much and not waiting for him at lunch or after volleyball practice. Tsukishima was confused, but figured that if that’s what Yamaguchi wanted, who was he to stop him? At least that’s what he tried to say, but he missed him. Not that he would admit it out loud, but he was lonely without Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi felt awful. His lungs burned every time he coughed, which was often, he felt light-headed every time a flower petal was fighting its way out of his throat, and he looked pale. But the worst of it all was not being able to talk to Tsukki. Yamaguchi missed him so much, which only made the disease worse but it was good for Tsukki, right? At least that’s what Yamaguchi kept telling himself.  
“Just keep pushing forward and then soon it’ll all be over.” He said with a forced smile. 

It had been 4 months. 4 months of Yamaguchi ignoring him. 4 months of loneliness, wondering what he had done wrong. All Tsukishima wanted was his best friend back. He decided he was going to confront Yamaguchi about it tomorrow after volleyball practice was over. Yamaguchi looked around nervously at practice hoping no one had heard him coughing up flowers. The disease had progressed to the 3rd stage. He was now coughing up full flowers. His mom found him slumped over the toilet a few weeks ago and demanded to know what was happening. After explaining to her, she looked at him with the most pitiful expression he’d ever seen. Ever since that night, she’s been a little quieter, though she always tries to cheer him up. When Yamaguchi entered the gym he noticed Suga looking at him with a concerned expression on his face. Yamaguchi brushed it off hoping it was for something else. As he went through practice he could feel Tsukishima’s stare burning holes into him.

“Why was everyone being so perceptive?” He thought.  
Yamaguchi stepped up to do his signature jump float serve, he felt the familiar scratch in his throat. He quickly excused himself and ran to the bathroom.  
“Is he ok? He’s been doing that a lot.” Tanaka asked.  
“Don’t look at me, I don’t know, he’s stopped talking to me,” Tsukishima replied, clearly upset.  
“I’ll go check on him.” Suga offered. 

They all nodded and waited for him to come back. Suga walked to the men’s bathroom and when he opened the door, he stood there in shock. There on the ground was Yamaguchi coughing up full flowers, along with blood since the thorns on the stems were scratching and ripping open his lungs. Suga ran over to Yamaguchi and quickly helped him up. He brought him to the sink and washed away the blood on his face and hands. After that, he brought Yamaguchi to a bench and sat him down. 

“Tell me now, who is it for? Don’t lie to me.” Suga demanded.  
“Why should I tell you. It’s not like it matters, I’m going to die soon so just back off and let it happen.” Yamaguchi replied in a cool tone.  
Suga was shocked. Yamaguchi never acted like this.  
“Yamaguchi, don’t be afraid to tell me. I can help you.” He pleaded.  
Yamaguchi looked down at his hands, they were shaking. Suga grabbed them and stopped them from moving. Yamaguchi took a deep breath and explained to him what was happening. He told Suga all about how he met Tsukishima, and how he saved him from his childhood bullies, which then led to their friendship, and sooner led to his love for Tsukishima. Suga listened and helped consult him. 

“When this gets any worse please let me know. I’ll help take some of the worry away by covering for you in certain situations.” He offered.  
Yamaguchi looked at him with tears in his eyes and thanked him.  
“It’s nothing, we should get back to the team they’re probably wondering where we are. Let’s just say you had a bad stomachache and you need to go home early.”  
Yamaguchi nodded and thanked him again. As they walked back into the gym, Yamaguchi noticed Tsukishima motion for him to come with him. Yamaguchi was mentally tired and let go of his self-restraint so he followed. When they got outside Tsukishima  
turned around and asked

“Why have you been ignoring me? Did I do something? Please tell me so I can fix it.”

Yamaguchi had never heard Tsukishima ask for something in such a sad, broken tone. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t say anything. Just know it has nothing to do with you, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Yamaguchi replied, anguish filling his heart. 

“Why can’t you tell me? I thought we were friends.” Tsukishima said angrily. 

“Yeah, that’s all we’ll ever be.” Yamaguchi wanted to say but bit his tongue. 

“I’m sorry Tsukki I can’t say anything.” He started to walk away. 

“Whatever, I guess I don’t mean as much as I thought I did to you,” Tsukishima replied. 

“Wait where did that come from?” Tsukishima thought as Yamaguchi walked away from him.  
Suddenly Tsukishima has a revelation, he liked, no loved Yamaguchi. Tsukishima wanted to run to his retreating figure but knew that Yamaguchi wasn’t in the mood to have a conversation with him. He decided to wait until the next day and ask Suga for advice. Tsukishima went home and figured out all the details that night. 

Tsukishima’s last words to Yamaguchi were ringing in his head as he tried to concentrate on his homework. 

“I guess I don’t mean as much to you as I thought I did.”

“What did he mean by that?” Yamaguchi wondered.  
A small glimmer of hope rose in his chest, as he started to think about the possibility of Tsukishima liking him. Yamaguchi felt the familiar feeling again and ran to the toilet. This time so many flowers came out, he felt as if he could make a bouquet with them. They were beautiful except for the blood that painted their white petals. His mom heard him and rushed in to help him. Yamaguchi barely heard her shouting for him. He was becoming light-headed because of all the blood he had lost. The darkness overtook his vision as he fell to the floor. 

Yamaguchi woke up to beeping. It was loud and obnoxious. He sat up quickly only for his head to spin and for him to fall back down onto the pillow. He noticed his mom sleeping on one of the plastic chairs. He winced, those were uncomfortable, his mom must’ve been scared for him if she was willing to spend the night in one. His mom stirred and noticed him staring. 

“How do you feel? The doctors said you should stay here for the rest of the time.” She said sadly. 

“I’m alright I guess. It hurts to move. Mom I’m so tired.” Yamaguchi responded quietly  
He noticed his mom was blinking back tears. 

“Go home mom, get some rest. You can always come back later. I’m not leaving yet.” He said in a small voice.

“I love you. I’ll see you later mom. I’m going to take a nap now.”

“Ok honey, sleep well. I’ll be back before you know it.” She replied. Yamaguchi then fell into a deep slumber. 

Tsukishima couldn’t stop thinking about Yamaguchi. 

“If only he had noticed his feelings sooner maybe they could’ve been together sooner.” He thought.  
He noticed that Yamaguchi wasn’t in his homeroom class or at lunch. When it was time for volleyball, he never showed up. Tsukishima was confused but decided he needed to ask Suga for help still. After practice, Daichi and Suga were cleaning the gym together. Suga noticed Tsukishima stayed behind and could also tell that he was nervous. He kept looking down at his hands and fidgeting with them.

“Well, this is ironic. You’re never nervous.” Suga laughed “What’s bugging you?”  
“How do you confess?” Tsukishima blurted out. He was flushed red, and he looked uncomfortable.  
Suga smiled knowingly. 

“Finally it’s happening. Tsukishima will confess and Yamaguchi will be saved.” Suga thought. 

“I won’t lie, it’s difficult. It’s scary opening up to someone, especially when there’s a chance they could reject you.”

“Wow, thanks for the confidence.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes and started to walk away. 

“Wait! I was joking, I’m sorry. Don’t overthink it, just keep it simple and calm. I’m pretty sure that the person you’re confessing too will accept it.” 

Tsukishima looked surprised at that comment but nodded and left the gym to head to Yamaguchi’s house. He walked down the cracked sidewalk, reminiscing about his memories with Yamaguchi. He loved his smile and the way his eyes lit up when he talked about things that excited him. Tsukishima turned the corner and saw Yamaguchi’s house in the distance. He reached the front door and knocked. The door opened to Yamaguchi’s mom, she looked tired, the eye bags under her eyes were dark and prominent. 

“Hello Tsukishima, I didn’t expect to see you here. What can I do for you?” She asked him in a polite tone. 

“I came to see Yamaguchi. He wasn’t at school today and I wanted to give him his homework. Plus there’s something I need to tell him.”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi’s mom looked sad. Tsukishima wondered what could cause such a happy woman to look this depressed. 

Tsukishima felt a pit of dread settle in his stomach.  
“What happened?” He said in an accusing tone. “Where is he? What’s wrong?”

“Yamaguchi i-is in the hospital.” Tsukishima felt his heart drop. 

“How? What happened to him. Why is he there?” Tsukishima started panicking. 

“He has Hanahaki.” Yamaguchi’s mom replied “He got it for you a few months ago. He’s been very sick and tired. I tried to convince him to get the surgery, but you know how he is. He loves you so much Tsukishima. Please tell me you reciprocate his feelings. I can’t have him die.” She collapsed to the ground and started sobbing. 

“What hospital is he at?” Tsukishima asked in a steady calm tone that didn’t convey the mess that was happening in his head.  
“Miyagi Rifu Ekisaikai Hospital. It’s a few blocks from here.”  
Tsukishima didn’t even hear the rest of her sentence, he ran towards the hospital faster then he had ever run in his life. The street signs blurred together as he sped past them. He reached the hospital and pushed past the people entering. They looked at him annoyed until they saw the terror and shame that rested on his face. Tsukishima noticed the front desk and quickly headed over there.  
“Ma’am, can you please tell me where I can find a patient named Tadashi Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima said in an impatient tone. 

“In room 302 on floor 2. You better hurry last I heard he wasn’t doing well.”  
Tsukishima’s eyes widened and that sense of dread came back to him. No, Yamaguchi was going to make it. All he had to do was confess to him and he would be alright. Tsukishima rushed to the room only to see a pale, cold boy in a bed.

“Yams?” Tsukishima asked carefully, in a soft tone.  
Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi’s face. He looked tired, even when he was sleeping. His skin was stretched over his cheekbones and it looked almost translucent. Tsukishima was scared. More scared than he has ever been in his life. 

“Yams I’m so sorry, I should’ve said something sooner. I wish I had noticed, I could’ve kept you from this pain. I hope you can forgive me.” 

Tsukishima grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand. He almost flinched at how cold it was. His fingers were thin, skeletal. 

“Yams please respond to me. Yams I love you, please don’t go, please.” He sobs as Yamaguchi doesn’t respond. “ I can’t live without you, you mean so much to me. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I’m a coward. We should’ve grown up together, we should’ve lived our lives, had a future together I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Yams please, please come back please I love you.”

He begs the universe for Yamaguchi to respond. All he feels is a small squeeze and then… flatline. The noise consumes him. All he can hear is the beeping saying, 

“You failed, you couldn’t save him. Now his family will have to live without their son, and it’s all your fault. He’ll never get to experience life because of you. You were too scared to say anything. You’re such a coward. You don’t deserve to be alive. Yamaguchi should’ve lived not you.”

Yamaguchi’s mom rushes into the room to see Tsukishima holding Yamaguchi’s lifeless hand and sobbing on the ground. She stood there in shock.

“This can’t be happening. You confessed right? Why isn’t he responding? Why isn’t he moving?” She said hysterically. 

The doctor pulled them both out of the room to explain.  
“This usually doesn’t happen but sometimes even a confession doesn’t work if you are in your final minutes. Tsukishima you got here too late. I’m sorry but he’s gone.”

Tsukishima didn’t want to accept it. The cold numbness overtaking his body and his brain. He couldn’t even face Yamaguchi’s mom. He left them there and walked out of the hospital. 

~Time skip~

It’s been a few months since the incident happened. Tsukishima still hasn’t opened up to anyone about it. He wasn’t the type of person to easily forgive himself or talk about his problems to anyone. His teammates tried to get him to talk, only for him to snap at them and walk away. They knew it would be hard for him to open up, but they didn’t know it would be this bad. 

Tsukishima had become a cold, empty shell of the person he used to be. He no longer fought with Hinata and Kageyama and he stopped teasing his senpais. His grades were starting to slip and he started ditching volleyball practice. His thoughts consisted of Yamaguchi and all the memories he had made with him. Instead of him moving on he wallowed in his sadness. 

“Yamaguchi would want you to forgive yourself and move on.” The rational part of himself said.  
“Well he’s not here and it’s my fault, so I don’t care,” Tsukishima responded. 

His mom tried to cheer him up with his favorite foods and taking him to his favorite places, but he just sat there with a hollow look on his face. 

“His eyes looked empty now.” Tsukishima’s mom thought. 

She feared for him. She noticed that his eyes lingered on the knives in the kitchen. She had caught him in the bathroom with a razor blade in his hand. He played it off as him just throwing it away, but she knew better. Finally, Tsukishima’s mom was tired of seeing her son like this. She was scared that he would never fully recover so she took him to a therapist and he was prescribed a common form of antidepressants. As they were driving home, Tsukishima thought about a plan, a plan to leave this wretched place. He didn’t want to be here anymore. There wasn’t a point to his life if Yamaguchi wasn’t there. 

Over the next few days, he planned out the details. The day it would happen, the excuses, and the notes. He wrote out letters to everyone he loved/was friends with. He also tried to talk to everyone more so they wouldn’t be suspicious and to give them happy memories with him before he left. Finally, it was that day. Tsukishima could barely wait, he was ready to leave. The suffocating feeling of failure and anguish was too much for him. As he went throughout the school day he said his goodbyes (not that anyone knew) and left letters for them in their bags. He walked home using the path that Yamaguchi and him used to use. 

“Yams, I hope you’re not angry at me for doing this. I can’t live without you, I hope you understand. I love you, you meant the world to me, I just wish I said it sooner.”

As he entered his house, he left the notes for his brother and mom to find later. He went to the bathroom and opened the pill container. The lid popped open with a loud click and it startled him. 

“Is this really what I want to do?” He thought “Yes, I have no purpose without Yams. This is my punishment for not saving him.”

He took a big handful and popped them into his mouth. He drank some water and swallowed. He let his legs give out and slid down to sit on the bathroom floor. He made sure his last thoughts were about Yamaguchi as the world grew dark. He could feel his heart slowing down and heard his front door open and his friends rushed into his house looking for him. 

“No, no, no Tsukishima! Why did you do this? You should’ve talked to us, not bottled up your feelings.” Suga yelled 

They had already called 119 and were waiting for the ambulance to get there. It felt like it was taking forever until they heard the noise outside. Noya and Asahi ran outside to let the paramedics inside and they quickly rushed to the bathroom. They pulled Tsukishima onto a stretcher and ran back to the ambulance to take him to the hospital. When the paramedics got to the hospital they rushed him into an emergency room to operate on him. His heartbeat was slow and it looked like it was going to give up at any second. The doctors worked hard trying to save him but in the end, Tsukishima got what he wanted. He was pronounced dead at 4:42 pm. Tsukishima’s last thought was 

“Hopefully I’ll meet you in another life Yamaguchi. I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave some constructive criticism (i aspire to make a fanfic as sad as in another life or the galaxy was endless (i thought we were too).  
> let me know what you thought :D


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